“Teach me about what teaches you.”
—Malidoma Patrice Somé
“I believe all partners deserve to have safe, secure relationships of their own design. I think healthy relationships can happen in many consensual dynamics. I support partners in processing what feels good for their unique situation.”
Many of the couples/partners that I work with recognize that when their relationship is stressed they fall back on behavior patterns that break down lines of communication. I find it helpful to observe partners in actions during therapy —what is each person’s perception of what is happening in their dialogue and what they feel are the challenges and strengths of their relationship. I often encourage partners to connect their communication to the feelings in their bodies (if accessible). In partners’ therapy, we may engage in somatic, creative, and mindfulness processes to increase intimacy and connect with each partner’s love language.
I welcome and enjoy working with ALL kinds of relationships. I have experience working with LGBTQIA+ partners, partnerships of mutuals, Poly/Kink partnerships, multi-cultural/biracial partnerships, and single folx re-imagining their role in a future healthy relationship.
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Is this for us?
Many of us grew up witnessing parents/caregivers and family members with high anxiety, depression, anger and/or repressed emotions. Just like those around us, we developed strategies to help us cope with our feelings. I believe that our relationship behaviors are influenced by our attachment styles—secure (healthy), anxious (preoccupied), avoidant (dismissive), or disorganized (fearful avoidant).
Some of the partners I see in therapy experience:• a partner that has trouble expressing their feelings and emotions
• a partner that pulls away and ceases communication when they have disagreements
• a partner that experiences heightened feelings of fear and abandonment during disagreements
• a partner that experiences anxiety when partners are separated
• a partner that avoids conflict and feels overwhelmed by partner’s needs and emotions
• a partner that has difficulty trusting
• a partner that has committed infidelity
• a partner that cannot tolerate emotional closeness; may tend to want closeness and then pull away
a partner that has experienced sexual trauma, emotional and physical abuse in early childhood
…and other experiences that contribute to rupture in the partnership
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Possible benefits of partners therapy...
Despite the challenges, I believe therapy can help partners learn new skills that may help their relationship cultivate feelings of safety and security.
Possible benefits of partners therapy (couples therapy):
• partners may learn how to communicate with clarity
• partners may learn how to set boundaries that reduce the need to control and encourage flexibility
• partners may learn to eliminate patterns of passive/aggressive behavior by being present with their feelings and needs
• partners may learn to increase their tolerance of independence within the relationship
• partners may feel seen, heard, and validated by each other
• partners may learn how to work with each other’s sense of timing when it comes to processing feelings and emotions
• partners may have the opportunity to dialogue on the structure of their relationship moving forward
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Risks of partners therapy...
While many partners find couples therapy to be a place where they can learn new communication skills and possibly improve their overall relationship, there are some possible risks of partners therapy:
• a partner or both partners decide to end the relationship
• challenges in the relationship get much worse before they get better
• one or both partners may need individual therapy to address mental health issues that cannot be met by partners therapy alone*
*I generally recommend that each partner have their own individual therapist whenever possible.
